I am not okay. I am unraveling. I am like a giant snowball rolling down a steep hill going faster and faster headed for total destruction and I can’t seem to slow down or stop myself.
I am losing my temper with everyone, yelling screaming and cursing at my son, my husband and my best friend. I cannot stop the angry words pouring out of my mouth. There are several reasons for my total insanity.
The first one is my medication that calmed me down in the past. I had told the Doctor I didn’t think it was working and he took me off of it several weeks ago. Yesterday, after several events of my fury, I took the medication and it calmed me down in very little time. I have enough pills left for one week.
The second reason I am in excruciating pain is because of my daughters. As I give away our granddaughter Emily’s Barbie doll house, Julian’s trucks and their favorite games- Candy Land and Cherry Oh ( all toys they are too old to play with now) I realize we have been robbed of THREE STINKING YEARS of their LIVES!!!!’ THREE LONG YEARS!!!!!FOR THREE YEARS we could have loved and spoiled our grandchildren. We could have been playing Candy Land, Cherry Ohs, Barbies and trucks with them. We could have taken them to the zoo, to Chucky Cheese’s, the children’s garden at Meijer Gardens, the Allegan County Fair, the hayride to shoot at Zombies for Halloween, to see Santa Clause at Christmas, to give them Easter baskets and have an Easter egg hunt on Easter, to take them camping in the summer. We were wonderful grandparents! Their mom got mad at me because I told Tiffany she was controlling, manipulative and mentally abusive, (which she is). And because their mom got mad at me and is so vindictive we can not visit, see or talk to our grandchildren!!! Even after my daughter has accidentally run over her child and nearly killed him and been sentenced to 30 days in jail the foster care agency still lets that abusive mother decide that we cannot visit or talk to or send postcards to her children!!!!! We can have NO COMMUNICATION with our grandchildren!!!!! We can visit, talk to or call our other granddaughter because her mother got mad at me and she is so vindictive that she won’t even allow her daughter- our granddaughter to come and visit us or talk to us on the phone or do FaceTime!!!!! They rob their children of two wonderful loving grandchildren!!!!!
The other reason I am going insane is because I always get deeply depressed crazy out of my mind, feeling such mental anguish is that I hate m Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just more pain than I can bear. My mother who loved me is gone. My stepmother who loved me is gone. I completely and totally failed as a mother. My children were taken away from me and grew up in foster homes because I mentally and physically abused them. Yes it was thirty years ago. Yes it was because I had bipolar depression and I did not know it. Today I take care of myself with medication and counseling and normally I am mentally stable but I was totally out of control at that time. My sons were taken away from me the day before Mother’s Day. I remember it was the day before Mother’s Day because, knowing because what I had done was so terrible that I had permanently lost all four children and I would never get them back. I told a friend I was going to grab the cop’s gun and shoot myself. I woke up in a psychiatric wing for the first ( but not the last) time in my life on Mother’s Day. I spent the entire spring and summer feeling suicidal and being in a psychiatric wing. I lost my children, I would never get my little girls back or my boys, I had nothing left to live for. I cried my heart out every day. So I totally failed as a mother.
My fiancé died on Mother’s Day three months before our wedding day. With the exception of my wonderful husband Chuck nobody ever loved me as much as Todd did. He told me he loved me every day. He told me I was beautiful every day. He played the guitar and sang love songs to me. He loved my daughter Tiffany. She came over to visit us and had dinner with us every night. We both loved music, wrestling, my cooking and movies. Every Saturday we cleaned our apartment and then took the bus to Burger King and then to the Cinema to watch a matinee movie. That was when a matinee movie cost $4.50 each, We had so much fun. And then with no warning and for an unknown cause my fiancé died in his sleep at age 31 on Mother’s Day three months before our wedding day. I was totally devastated and out of my mind with grief. I was in a psychiatric hospital, then in partial hospitalization and finally in a day treatment program for months. I love my husband dearly but on Mother’s Day especially, I miss Todd.
My children do not buy Mother’s Day presents for me. It would mean the world to me if my children or my grandchildren sent me a Mother’s Day Card. But that will not happen this year. My son Andrew usually sends me a card and a gift, but this year he has no job and no money. My sons will call me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and that will make me very happy (but inside this old body is a little girl who still loves to get cards and presents. )
I know God loves me. He wants me to be mentally happy and stable and enjoy life. But all of this is inside my head like lava flowing in a volcano, filling my mind with terrible heartache and pain and anger and this volcano is erupting and I cannot seem to stop the eruption.
For this reason, I have decided to go into partial hospitalization at the local psychiatric hospital. I will go to the hospital every weekday and come home every night. They will be billing us $50.00 a day so this will cost us hundreds of dollars. (I should have a Go Fund Me page to help me pay for my partial hospitalization). Seriously, they have psychiatrists, nurses, therapists and I will have a caseworker. They have support groups. We learn how to handle stress and how to build and keep good, stable relationships. They will help me with this insanity and tell me what to do with all of this mental anguish, heartache, pain and fury. I hope to go today, to get the help I need for Mother’s Day and to help me with the realization that we have lost our grandchildren, probably forever. They will forget about us. They are not going to suddenly turn eighteen and think- Gee I would like to get to know my grandparents. We will be strangers to them.
Am I feeling suicidal? Not really. Homicidal? No. I just don’t know what to do with all the turmoil going on inside of my head. I need help. My pain is my own fault. My healing is my own responsibility. I will do what I need to do to become “normal”, mentally and emotionally stable and reasonably happy. I do this for my husbsnd, my children, my grandchildren, my extended family, Chuck’s family, my church family, all of my friends and yes, I do this for ME. I need to take care of ME so I can be reasonably happy for more than an hour or two a day.
What about you? Are you unraveling? It is okay to admit life is more than you can bear and you need to get help to take care of yourself. Are you feeling suicidal? Homicidal? If you are out of control call your local hospital ( that has a psychiatric wing) or psychiatric hospital and talk to someone. If you are feeling suicidal or homicidal please call the phone number below or 911.
SUICIDE HOTLINE PHONE NUMBER
Please call. These people are kind and caring. You may have to wait on hold. Don’t hang up. You must take care of yourself. Whether or not you believe it there are people who love you dearly and they would be devastated for the rest of their life if you killed yourself.
God loves you so much He let his son Jesus die on a cross for you. Call on Jesus today. Confess your sins. There is no sin Jesus will not forgive. Trust in Jesus virgin birth, death on the cross to pay for your sins and his resurrection from the dead because He is God Almighty, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Ask him to be Savior and Lord of your life right now, today. If you do that you will become a child of God and you will receive eternal life and a home in heaven. Call on Jesus right now.
SUICIDE HOTLINE PHONE NUMBER