WHAT IS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER?

Do you think you might possibly have Borderline Personality Disorder? Do you know someone (like me) who has Borderline Personality Disorder? This link is the BEST description I have ever read about Borderline Personality Disorder.

http://www.guidetopsychology.com/bpd.htm

#Community#Growth#Health#Wellness#Happy#Happiness#Inspirational#Relationships#Discover#Motivation#Life#Personaldevelopment#Dailypost#Postaday#Smile#Differentsmiles#Reasonstosmile#Mentalhealth#Mentalillness#Selfhelp#Selfcare#Reflection#Feelings#Honesty#Lifestyle#Sadness#Dreams#Hope

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WHAT I LEARNED IN THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

MY ISSUE

I spent a week in the day treatment program at the local psychiatric hospital. My grandson had accidentally got run over last December. He had been in a coma in critical condition. Then he had a blood clot in his neck as well as many other problems. Even at this critical time in his life, when my husband and I longed to see him and his sister, we were not allowed to see them. It ripped our hearts out.

MISSING OUR GRANDCHILDREN

We have not seen any of my grandchildren for three years. For the last six months I have been deeply depressed, angry and stressed out because we cannot see our twin grandchildren who live nearby in Michigan or my other granddaughter who lives in Massachusetts.. Their Moms- my daughters hate me. They blame me for their unhappy abusive childhoods and for feeling unwanted and unloved. To be honest, we did not get along when they became adults. So last week I ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

HOW THE HOSPITAL HELPED ME

My Christian psychiatrist changed my medications and gave me great words of wisdom. The medicationI was on was not working. The right medication for my bipolar depression made a big difference in my mental stability. The classes, the support groups, the meetings with my caseworker were very painful- it is often hard to confront our deepest hurts and things that trigger us to have extreme emotional responses. I was honest with myself, with God and with others. I have been angry and verbally abusive to the people I love most in this world. It is pointless to go to a therapist if you are not honest with him or her, and you do not get to the root of your hurts, habits and hang ups. It is very painful to be honest with yourself, but honesty and effective therapy leads to mental stability, strength and serenity. Last week unblinded my eyes and helped me to accept my reality.

MY MOST IMPORTANT LESSON

I learned an enormous amount of information but the most important thing is what I drew in the circles below. We learned about boundaries. We learned about control- how little control we actually have of the things and people in our life. In the inner small circle below are the things that I can control- my thoughts, my beliefs, my attitudes, my words and my behavior. In the middle circle are things that I can influence- my friends and family. And the big circle are things I have no control over like the weather, war, trauma, my past, consequences from my past, other people, other people’s judgements of me.

MY GRANDCHILDREN’S REALITY

My twin grandchildren, age 8 were taken away from their mother six months ago. I was totally and completely devastated when my mother died and I was 22. These children have been raised alone by their Mother for 8 years. She was a loving mother. She was not perfect, but she did the best she could. They may or not be going back to live with her in the future. Their father was a stranger to them, but for the last six months he has driven 4 hours round trip to visit them. Their parents are fighting over custody. That is a lot for an eight year old child to have to deal with.

OUR ROLE AS GRANDPARENTS

What our role as grandparents? Absolutely nothing. They have forgotten us and they do not recognize me now that I have gray hair. I have been thinking for a long time that if they saw my husband and me, they would be so happy to see us and run and hug us like they did when when they were six years old. The reality is that we are strangers to them and they probably have had their minds poisoned against us by their mother. It would be very stressful for them to see us.

OUR DECISION

So we have given up. I emailed my sister and her husband ( who have had custody of them for the last six months) and told them we are no longer going to ask for visitation with them. Their needs come before our needs. They do not need grandparents they do not know. They have grandparents. My sister and her husband have been very loving grandparents for six months.

LIFE AFTER LOSS

I have spent the last six months depressed, stressed, angry, miserable and unhappy. I have been grieving the loss of my twin grandchildren for six months. My husband and I are not going to be a part of their lives. That is one of those things I cannot control. I can continue to fight our reality and be miserable and unhappy or accept reality- we all want what is best for my grandchildren. And we are not what’s best for my grandchildren. We will have to go on with our lives without them. My husband and I have camping trips planned for the summer, and fireworks in the 4th of July and other things to look forward to. There is life after loss.

WHAT WE CAN DO

We cannot see out grandchildren, but we can pray for them. We can not take them to the corn maze, the zoo, the fair and a hundred other places, but we can look at the photos of all the places we took them and all the special memories we have with them. We can not be a part of our grandchildren’s lives but we can allow ourselves to grieve over our loss. In life, we need to accept reality and ask God- what are the things we can do?

GOD HELP ME

God grant me the serenity,

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

What about you? What is the reality in your life that you refuse to accept? Wishing things were different does not make things different. You need to trust Jesus, our Sovereign God, and ask Jesus to help you each day to accept the things you cannot change, give you the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. Refusing to accept your reality will only make you miserable and unhappy.

How to be Valuable

You are valuable just because. God says you are valuable. You believe you are worthless. Who is right? God is right. You don’t have to work real hard to be valuable you ARE valuable.

Please listen to the greatest message I have ever heard from the wisest psychiatrist I have ever talked to. It can potentially change your life. It is an hour long message. But it truly is the greatest message I have ever heard whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim or atheist. No matter who you are or what you have said or done you need to listen to this message.

Go to: http://www.http:lastingvictory.com

I am sorry you will have to go online and type out lastingvictory.com click on audio select Basics of Grace and you will hear the greatest message of your life.

When you look at this photo do you see ugly weeds or beautiful wildflowers. We are a field of dandelions. But the God who created us says that each one of us is a beautiful wildflower- just because…

And click on audio

You can have victory in your life.

#Community#Growth#Health#Wellness#Inspirational#Relationships#Discover#Motivation#Life#Personaldevelopment#Dailypost#Postaday#Smile#Differentsmiles#Reasonstosmile#Mentalhealth#Mentalillness#Selfhelp#Selfcare#Reflection#Feelings#Honesty#Lifestyle#Sadness#Dreams#Hope

WHY I WILL BE OKAY

Dear Reader

I am not okay. I am unraveling. I am like a giant snowball rolling down a steep hill going faster and faster headed for total destruction and I can’t seem to slow down or stop myself.

I am losing my temper with everyone, yelling screaming and cursing at my son, my husband and my best friend. I cannot stop the angry words pouring out of my mouth. There are several reasons for my total insanity.

The first one is my medication that calmed me down in the past. I had told the Doctor I didn’t think it was working and he took me off of it several weeks ago. Yesterday, after several events of my fury, I took the medication and it calmed me down in very little time. I have enough pills left for one week.

The second reason I am in excruciating pain is because of my daughters. As I give away our granddaughter Emily’s Barbie doll house, Julian’s trucks and their favorite games- Candy Land and Cherry Oh ( all toys they are too old to play with now) I realize we have been robbed of THREE STINKING YEARS of their LIVES!!!!’ THREE LONG YEARS!!!!!FOR THREE YEARS we could have loved and spoiled our grandchildren. We could have been playing Candy Land, Cherry Ohs, Barbies and trucks with them. We could have taken them to the zoo, to Chucky Cheese’s, the children’s garden at Meijer Gardens, the Allegan County Fair, the hayride to shoot at Zombies for Halloween, to see Santa Clause at Christmas, to give them Easter baskets and have an Easter egg hunt on Easter, to take them camping in the summer. We were wonderful grandparents! Their mom got mad at me because I told Tiffany she was controlling, manipulative and mentally abusive, (which she is). And because their mom got mad at me and is so vindictive we can not visit, see or talk to our grandchildren!!! Even after my daughter has accidentally run over her child and nearly killed him and been sentenced to 30 days in jail the foster care agency still lets that abusive mother decide that we cannot visit or talk to or send postcards to her children!!!!! We can have NO COMMUNICATION with our grandchildren!!!!! We can visit, talk to or call our other granddaughter because her mother got mad at me and she is so vindictive that she won’t even allow her daughter- our granddaughter to come and visit us or talk to us on the phone or do FaceTime!!!!! They rob their children of two wonderful loving grandchildren!!!!!

The other reason I am going insane is because I always get deeply depressed crazy out of my mind, feeling such mental anguish is that I hate m Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just more pain than I can bear. My mother who loved me is gone. My stepmother who loved me is gone. I completely and totally failed as a mother. My children were taken away from me and grew up in foster homes because I mentally and physically abused them. Yes it was thirty years ago. Yes it was because I had bipolar depression and I did not know it. Today I take care of myself with medication and counseling and normally I am mentally stable but I was totally out of control at that time. My sons were taken away from me the day before Mother’s Day. I remember it was the day before Mother’s Day because, knowing because what I had done was so terrible that I had permanently lost all four children and I would never get them back. I told a friend I was going to grab the cop’s gun and shoot myself. I woke up in a psychiatric wing for the first ( but not the last) time in my life on Mother’s Day. I spent the entire spring and summer feeling suicidal and being in a psychiatric wing. I lost my children, I would never get my little girls back or my boys, I had nothing left to live for. I cried my heart out every day. So I totally failed as a mother.

My fiancé died on Mother’s Day three months before our wedding day. With the exception of my wonderful husband Chuck nobody ever loved me as much as Todd did. He told me he loved me every day. He told me I was beautiful every day. He played the guitar and sang love songs to me. He loved my daughter Tiffany. She came over to visit us and had dinner with us every night. We both loved music, wrestling, my cooking and movies. Every Saturday we cleaned our apartment and then took the bus to Burger King and then to the Cinema to watch a matinee movie. That was when a matinee movie cost $4.50 each, We had so much fun. And then with no warning and for an unknown cause my fiancé died in his sleep at age 31 on Mother’s Day three months before our wedding day. I was totally devastated and out of my mind with grief. I was in a psychiatric hospital, then in partial hospitalization and finally in a day treatment program for months. I love my husband dearly but on Mother’s Day especially, I miss Todd.

My children do not buy Mother’s Day presents for me. It would mean the world to me if my children or my grandchildren sent me a Mother’s Day Card. But that will not happen this year. My son Andrew usually sends me a card and a gift, but this year he has no job and no money. My sons will call me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and that will make me very happy (but inside this old body is a little girl who still loves to get cards and presents. )

I know God loves me. He wants me to be mentally happy and stable and enjoy life. But all of this is inside my head like lava flowing in a volcano, filling my mind with terrible heartache and pain and anger and this volcano is erupting and I cannot seem to stop the eruption.

For this reason, I have decided to go into partial hospitalization at the local psychiatric hospital. I will go to the hospital every weekday and come home every night. They will be billing us $50.00 a day so this will cost us hundreds of dollars. (I should have a Go Fund Me page to help me pay for my partial hospitalization). Seriously, they have psychiatrists, nurses, therapists and I will have a caseworker. They have support groups. We learn how to handle stress and how to build and keep good, stable relationships. They will help me with this insanity and tell me what to do with all of this mental anguish, heartache, pain and fury. I hope to go today, to get the help I need for Mother’s Day and to help me with the realization that we have lost our grandchildren, probably forever. They will forget about us. They are not going to suddenly turn eighteen and think- Gee I would like to get to know my grandparents. We will be strangers to them.

Am I feeling suicidal? Not really. Homicidal? No. I just don’t know what to do with all the turmoil going on inside of my head. I need help. My pain is my own fault. My healing is my own responsibility. I will do what I need to do to become “normal”, mentally and emotionally stable and reasonably happy. I do this for my husbsnd, my children, my grandchildren, my extended family, Chuck’s family, my church family, all of my friends and yes, I do this for ME. I need to take care of ME so I can be reasonably happy for more than an hour or two a day.

What about you? Are you unraveling? It is okay to admit life is more than you can bear and you need to get help to take care of yourself. Are you feeling suicidal? Homicidal? If you are out of control call your local hospital ( that has a psychiatric wing) or psychiatric hospital and talk to someone. If you are feeling suicidal or homicidal please call the phone number below or 911.

SUICIDE HOTLINE PHONE NUMBER

1-800-273-8255

Please call. These people are kind and caring. You may have to wait on hold. Don’t hang up. You must take care of yourself. Whether or not you believe it there are people who love you dearly and they would be devastated for the rest of their life if you killed yourself.

God loves you so much He let his son Jesus die on a cross for you. Call on Jesus today. Confess your sins. There is no sin Jesus will not forgive. Trust in Jesus virgin birth, death on the cross to pay for your sins and his resurrection from the dead because He is God Almighty, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Ask him to be Savior and Lord of your life right now, today. If you do that you will become a child of God and you will receive eternal life and a home in heaven. Call on Jesus right now.

Your friend,

Terri

SUICIDE HOTLINE PHONE NUMBER

1-800-273-8255

#Community#Growth#Health#Wellness#Happy#Happiness#Inspirational#Relationships#discover#Motivation#Life#Personaldevelopment#Dailypost#Postaday#Smile#Differentsmiles#Reasonstosmile#Mentalhealth#Mentalillness#Selfhelp#Selfcare#Reflection#Feelings#Honesty#Lifestyle#Sadness#Dreams#Hope

I am not okay. I am unraveling. I am like a giant snowball rolling down a steep hill going faster and faster headed for total destruction and I can’t seem to slow down or stop myself.

I am losing my temper with everyone, yelling screaming and cursing at my son, my husband and my best friend. I cannot stop the angry words pouring out of my mouth. There are several reasons for my total insanity.

The first one is my medication that calmed me down in the past. I had told the Doctor I didn’t think it was working and he took me off of it several weeks ago. Yesterday, after several events of my fury, I took the medication and it calmed me down in very little time. I have enough pills left for one week.

The second reason I am in excruciating pain is because of my daughters. As I give away our granddaughter Emily’s Barbie doll house, Julian’s trucks and their favorite games- Candy Land and Cherry Oh ( all toys they are too old to play with now) I realize we have been robbed of THREE STINKING YEARS of their LIVES!!!!’ THREE LONG YEARS!!!!!FOR THREE YEARS we could have loved and spoiled our grandchildren. We could have been playing Candy Land, Cherry Ohs, Barbies and trucks with them. We could have taken them to the zoo, to Chucky Cheese’s, the children’s garden at Meijer Gardens, the Allegan County Fair, the hayride to shoot at Zombies for Halloween, to see Santa Clause at Christmas, to give them Easter baskets and have an Easter egg hunt on Easter, to take them camping in the summer. We were wonderful grandparents! Their mom got mad at me because I told Tiffany she was controlling, manipulative and mentally abusive, (which she is). And because their mom got mad at me and is so vindictive we can not visit, see or talk to our grandchildren!!! Even after my daughter has accidentally run over her child and nearly killed him ( and said she wished it had been her daughter) and been sentenced to 30 days in jail the foster care agency still lets that abusive mother decide that we cannot visit or talk to or send postcards to her children!!!!! We can have NO COMMUNICATION with our grandchildren!!!!! We can visit, talk to or call our other granddaughter because her mother got mad at me and she is so vindictive that she won’t even allow her daughter- our granddaughter to come and visit us or talk to us on the phone or do FaceTime!!!!! They rob their children of two wonderful loving grandchildren!!!!!

The other reason I am going insane is because I always get deeply depressed crazy out of my mind, feeling such mental anguish is that I hate m Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just more pain than I can bear. My mother who loved me is gone. My stepmother who loved me is gone. I completely and totally failed as a mother. My children were taken away from me and grew up in foster homes because I mentally and physically abused them. Yes it was thirty years ago. Yes it was because I had bipolar depression and I did not know it. Today I take care of myself with medication and counseling and normally I am mentally stable but I was totally out of control at that time. My sons were taken away from me the day before Mother’s Day. I remember it was the day before Mother’s Day because, knowing because what I had done was so terrible that I had permanently lost all four children and I would never get them back. I told a friend I was going to grab the cop’s gun and shoot myself. I woke up in a psychiatric wing for the first ( but not the last) time in my life on Mother’s Day. I spent the entire spring and summer feeling suicidal and being in a psychiatric wing. I lost my children, I would never get my little girls back or my boys, I had nothing left to live for. I cried my heart out every day. So I totally failed as a mother.

My fiancé died on Mother’s Day three months before our wedding day. With the exception of my wonderful husband Chuck nobody ever loved me as much as Todd did. He told me he loved me every day. He told me I was beautiful every day. He played the guitar and sang love songs to me. He loved my daughter Tiffany. She came over to visit us and had dinner with us every night. We both loved music, wrestling, my cooking and movies. Every Saturday we cleaned our apartment and then took the bus to Burger King and then to the Cinema to watch a matinee movie. That was when a matinee movie cost $4.50 each, We had so much fun. And then with no warning and for an unknown cause my fiancé died in his sleep at age 31 on Mother’s Day three months before our wedding day. I was totally devastated and out of my mind with grief. I was in a psychiatric hospital, then in partial hospitalization and finally in a day treatment program for months. I love my husband dearly but on Mother’s Day especially, I miss Todd.

My children do not buy Mother’s Day presents for me. It would mean the world to me if my children or my grandchildren sent me a Mother’s Day Card. But that will not happen this year. My son Andrew usually sends me a card and a gift, but this year he has no job and no money. My sons will call me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and that will make me very happy (but inside this old body is a little girl who still loves to get cards and presents. )

So all of this is inside my head like lava flowing in a volcano, filling my mind with terrible heartache and pain and anger and this volcano is erupting and I cannot seem to stop the eruption.

For this reason, I have decided to go into partial hospitalization at the local psychiatric hospital. I will go to the hospital every weekday and come home every night. They will be billing us $50.00 a day so this will cost us hundreds of dollsrs. (I should have a Go Fund Me page to help me pay for my partial hospitalization). Seriously, they have psychiatrists, nurses, therapists and I will have a caseworker. They will help me with this insanity and tell me what to do with all of this mental anguish, heartache, pain and fury. I hope to go today, to get the help I need for Mother’s Day and to help me with the realization that we have lost our grandchildren, probably forever. They will forget about us. They are not going to suddenly turn eighteen and think- Gee I would like to get to know my grandparents. We will be strangers to them.

Am I feeling suicidal? Not really. Homicidal? No. I just don’t know what to do with all the turmoil going on inside of my head. I need help. My pain is my own fault. My healing is my own responsibility. I will do what I need to do to become “normal”, mentally and emotionally stable and reasonably happy. I do this for my husbsnd, my children, my grandchildren, my extended family, Chuck’s family, my church family, all of my friends and yes, I do this for ME. I need to take care of ME so I can be reasonably happy for more than an hour or two a day.

The End

Terri

On Letting Go

The only thing more painful, more excruciating, ripping our hearts out more than giving all of our grandchildren’s favorite toys and games away would be continuing to let them sit on what used to be their shelves of toys and continuing to collect dust. They have sat there, not played with for three long years. It is time to let them go.

How we loved to play Barbies and Checkers and Candy land and Legos with our grandchildren. We loved playing trucks with our grandson. They loved to come to our house to play- they were always so happy to see us. They brought such joy to our lives and we loved them and our other granddaughter so very much. We will always love them. But after three years of not being allowed not to see them, call them or talk to them it is finally time to accept the fact that Chuck and I will never have children come and play with us again. We want their toys and games to be played with and enjoyed by children, not sitting on our shelves collecting dust. It is so hard to let go of those happy memories with our grandchildren.

I feel as though they have died. We are never going to see them again. Our hearts hurt. Don’t tell me after we have missed their entire childhood they will suddenly have a desire to see us. We will be strangers to them. They will have no interest in seeing us again. Ask my friend Renee whose grandchildren are grown up now. Her grandchildren have no interest in seeing their grandparents. I am so angry at my daughters for depriving their children of wonderful loving grandparents whom they have known and loved since they were infants.

Terri

#Community#Growth#Health#Wellness#Happy#Happiness#Inspirational#Relationships#Discover#Motivation#Life#Personaldevelopment#Dailypost#Postaday#Smile#Differentsmiles#Reasonstsmile#Mentalhealth#Mentalillness#Reflections#Feelings#Honesty#Lifestyle#Sadness#Dreams#hope#Selfhelp#Selfcare

To My Friends… All of You

Dear Friend,

I am not really awake yet. I have not finished my cup of coffee. I have warmed it up several times but have yet to finish it. But for some reason God wanted me to go for a walk in the woods. I told God I would rather wait until after I wake up but God told me to wake up in the woods. So here I am surrounded by beautiful trees budding with pretty yellow-greenish leaves. It is beautiful.

My two dogs accompany me in the woods. For Willow it is no problem – she can move around freely and enjoy the woods. Bentley is much smaller. He is a Doxy. I lead the way and he follows me. Often times he wants to go his own way. But he does not see the mud ahead or the deep puddles or the branches blocking his path. I continue to call him and leave him safely through the woods. I move obstacles out of the way in his path as I lead him through the woods.

I thought, this is how God is. He sees the good ground- without the mud, the puddles and the branches of life -the things that get in the way of my happiness. I do not see the good ground ahead. I only see ugly branches blocking my way. .But if I listen to God’s voice, hear him calling me and follow in the direction that He leads, ultimately I will be filled with joy. I will enjoy life as my dogs are now enjoying these woods. It was supposed to be a rainy day today but the sun is shining and the birds are singing, the trees are budding -it is just so very beautiful in my woods. I can hear a woodpecker pecking. Life can be beautiful too- if I listen to God’s voice and follow where He leads me

And now, I will turn off my iPhone, read my Bible and talk to my Heavenly Father. Time alone with Hod is just how I need to begin my day.

Your friend,

Terri

#Community#Growth#Health#Wellness#Happy#Happiness#Inspirational#Relationships#Discover#Motivation#Life#Personaldevelopment#Dailypost#Postaday#Smile#Differentsmiles#Reasonstosmile#Mentalhealth#Mentalillness#Reflection#Feelings#Honesty#Lifestyle#Sadness#Dreams#Hope#Selfhelp#Selfcare