Is your family wounded or broken today?

I have a certain routine to my day, especially my morning routine. I wake up, spend time with my husband before he leaves for work, have my cup of coffee, read posts and post on FaceBook, then at 7:00 or 7:30 am I always watch Joyce Meyer on tv. She always inspires me and stirs me up. I take notes of her great messages then post them on FB. After that I read 2-3 chapters in the Old Testement and one chapter of the New Testement in my Bible. Next I open my prayer notebook and pray for my friends and my loved ones. Then I get dressed go for my outdoor walk with the dogs and feed my birds. And then continue with the rest of my day.

Well today I joined WordPress.com and I want to start blogging. The more I read, the more excited I got. I have so many painful and joyful and life changing experiences in my life that I would love to share with people. I love to write and I especially want to help people that are hurting. I think God could really us me. I was so engrossed in reading about blogging and readiing people’s blogs that I totally lost track of time.

Then a dear friend called who I have not spoken with in a long time and we chatted and she shared her prayer requests with me. By that time it was time to take my dogs out for a walk- I had not taken them out since 4:30 am and it was already 9:15.

And then it happened. This black cloud settled over me. I did NOT want to read my Bible. I could think of a lot of things I would rather do because I really really did not want to read my Bible. I called one of my best friends. We usually chat on the phone for a while. I explained all of this to her and she prayed a 2 sentence prayer that God would speak to my heart and I would open my Women of Faith Study Bible. I literally had to force myself.

As soon as I started reading the Word of God I was instantly glad I did. I love to read the old familiar stories in Genesis and I read the study notes and I always learn something, I am always comforted or encouraged or inspired or convicted of my sin or just be reminded of the woman God wants me to be.

This morning Genesis chapter 33 spoke especially personally to me. It concerned family relationships. Jacob and Esau were brothers- they never liked each other, they never got along and to make matters worse the mother favored one son and the father favored the other. While the father was on his deathbed his wife and her favorite son tricked the father into giving the birthright and a full blessing to the younger son. ( The custom was the oldest child had the birthright and got his father’s full blessing and the younger brothers would serve the older brother and the older brother would gain all the land and be blessed by God and be prosperous.) Esau, the older son hated Jacob and planned to kill him after his father died. The mother sent Joseph away. Jacob was gone for 14 years- he served seven years working for one wife and another 7 years working for the second wife.

Now we come to Genesis 33. My chapter for today. I understand now why the devil did NOT want me to read this chapter…Jacob is returning home. He fears that his brother, who is approaching with a great army of men will kill him, his family, his servants and all his livestock. Jacob sends his servants ahead to his brother with gifts of livestock. The brother refuses the gifts but instead Esau runs to his brother and embraces his brother and they wept. Their hard hearts were softened and they felt love and mercy and forgiveness for each other.

Does your family live in perfect harmony with each other or is there conflict and strife?My 4 children did not have a happy childhood- they each grew up in different homes- 3 of them were in numerous different foster homes. Each one says they have forgiven me 25 years later but our family is still wounded and broken. One of my adult children visited me on Christmas Eve and we had a great time before he drove back to D.C. Two of my other children drove together from New York and New England to surprise me with a visit. I got to see my granddaughter who I have not seen for 3 years. My child who lives in Michigan was there also with my other two grandchildren… I live in Michigan. We had the happiest 4 days that we have had in many many years. It was a joy to see my children and grandchildren bond with each other. I was filled with joy. Then Friday night words were said in anger- cruel unkind words that left all of us hurt, devastated and angry. My son and my daughter left two days later and two of my children are not speaking to me, I cannot see my grandchildren- they want nothing to do with me and one of my children wants nothing to do with anyone in our family. So, as you can imagine, I am deeply hurt and dissappointed. But I have chosen to focus on the happy times we did share together and now my focus is on God, my loving husband, the two children that do love me and want to be their mother, my dogs, my cat and my birds.

I can see now why not he devil did his very best to keep me from reading the story of Jacob and Esau. If there was hope for these two there is hope for my family- and for yours. Whatever your family situation is God can heal it if we turn to Jesus, ask him to forgive our sin, be our Lord and Savior and put all of our faith in his death on the cross, burial and resurrection. Once we do this we are born again, we become a child of God and we can pray to him and give him all of our worries and cares and burdens and ask him to help us to patiently wait until his timing is perfect. He does not always promise us we will get what we want and we need to ask him to help us accept the things we cannot change… but he hears our every prayer, he loves us, he loves our children and our family members and He knows what is best for us. All I know is that if he could soften the hearts of Jacob and Esau he can soften the hearts of anyone if we pray and trust him and patiently wait.

# Daily Inspirational

Daily Inspiration

SHE WAS MY MOM

She worked hard. I did not understand why she had to leave us at 4:00 every day and work all night. She did it to help pay for the nice house we lived in, the expensive clothes that we wore, and the good food that we ate. She was a good cook. She made a great turkey feast for all of us and our cousins on Thanksgiving. And on the Sunday after our birthday, she cooked whatever we wanted for our special Sunday dinner. She always made me boiled ham, cabbage and potatoes with Pillsbury biscuits. She and my Dad took us to Holy Cross church every Sunday morning, and then on Saturday nights. They took us all to the midnight mass on Christmas Eve. And oh did she and my Dad spoil us on Christmas! When I was five years old, she wanted to buy me this great big rocking house on legs that were three feet high. My Dad said no. She bought it for me anyway, hid it at Grandpas house and gave it to me from Santa on Christmas. I loved that horse and I still love horses today. She loved it when bought her flowers. I loved to buy her flowers. She kept a clean house and clean clothes in our drawers. She would gather us girls together on her bed once a year to watch Rogers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella on tv. She did the same thing when the Wizard of Oz came in tv once a year. She was so pretty. She had a petite figure, wore nice clothes, had short, pretty brown hair and hazel eyes. When I got up early every morning because I was a dj at the college radio station she drove me to HCC and had a lunch made for me. One morning I missed breakfast and started to eat my sandwich. It was turkey with a thick layer of jelly. Ugh! I asked her about it when I got home. She laughed and said “You can’t have turkey without cranberry sauce..” She was my Mom. I hope she knows how much I loved her, and how happy I am finally, with a husband, children and dogs who love me. Oh how I miss her today.

CHANGE

A CHANGE IN SUMMER PLANS

I started out last night questioning God. Then I proceeded to grumble and complain. After that I got some really bad news. All of my hopes and plans for the summer dissolved- just like that. I had really hoped and planned for certain things this summer, and I was really looking forward to these things. And now they are not going to happen.

CHANGES IN LIFE

Life is like that. We have all these plans and just like that, God changes our plans overnight. We are disappointed. We complain. And if any of you are like me- you get angry. You get very angry. I am not good with change and disappointment. Maybe because I am sixty years old, I want what I want and I don’t like change. I have had so many changes- monumental changes in my life – that you would think I could accept minor changes with a grain of salt. Nope. I hate change.

THE ONE THING THAT NEVER CHANGES

Only one thing in life will never change. That one thing is God. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. God is good. He will always be good. God loves me. He will always love me. God shows His goodness to me every day- in the beauty of creation. Whether it is a beautiful sunrise, the pretty flowers, the smell of fresh cut grass, the ever changing leaves on the trees, the singing of the birds, the first pure white snowfall of winter or the amazing creatures He has created for us to enjoy, God shows us His love and His goodness.

GOD’S LOVE NEVER CHANGES

God showed his love and His goodness when He let His only Son die on a cross and pay for my sins- all of my sins. He adopted me into His forever family and gave me eternal life- a free gift- when I repented of my sins and trusted in Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Once you are adopted into God’s family, nothing you will ever do will make God kick you out of His family.

GOD’S PRESENCE NEVER CHANGES

Another thing about God that will never change is that wherever I go He will always be with me. People come and people go in my life but not God. He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter how much of a mess I make, how many times I blow it, nor how many times I fall flat on my face my God will never ever leave me. Because He is God. Because God is good. Because God loves me.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him would be saved. John 3:16, 17

Dear God,

Help us to yield our plans, our wants and our desires to Your plans, Your wants and Your desires. Help us to trust You in all things and to know that your plans for us are the best plans for us. Acceptance is so very hard sometimes, but in the long run, acceptance leads to joy, peace and contentment. Help me not to focus on what I don’t have, but to focus on all that I do have. Thank you for your many blessings. We plead for showers of blessing, when mercy drops round us are falling. Help us Lord to appreciate the mercy drops. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

MY STORY: Mental Illness, Abuse, and Life Today

Most people know my story. This is written for the person who has never read my story before.

I ABUSED MY CHILDREN
I am 60 years old but when my children were younger I abused them. I had mood swings and a terrible temper. I loved my children and I tried so hard and at times I was a wonderful loving mother but I also had a terrible temper and I could not seem to control myself. I abused them verbally and physically. They were taken away and placed in foster homes- they grew up separated from me and from each other. They had terrible childhoods and lived in numerous different homes, feeling unwanted and unloved. I failed them when they loved me and needed me.


MY DIAGNOSIS

I discovered I had bipolar depression abd something called borderline personality disorder. People who suffered traumas in their early childhood years often have BPD. Often people whoturn to drugs, alcohol or gangs have had abusive childhoods and suffer from BPD.

MY TREATMENT

I went for counseling and went on medication but it took years of trying before I found the right medication that worked for me, without making me nauseous or really tired. Medication changed my life and helps me in the same way insulin helps someone with diabetes. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. When I take my bipolar education, my antidepressant, and my anxiety medicine I am usually mentally stable. When I miss my medication and do not take it, bad things happen.

MY TERRIBLE THERAPIST

My therapist, who I hated, refused to tell social services that I was ready to have my children back. (I have had some great therapists who have really helped me, and some not so great therapists. If you don’t like your therapist you can ask for a different therapist. ) I tried for years to get my children back. I visited them as often as I could, told them I loved them and dreamed of the day when they would turn eighteen and we would be a family again. We woukd have Sunday dinners together, and we would be happy to be together. That never happened.

MY LIFE TODAY

At sixty years old only my two sons have a relationship with me. My two daughters have not spoken to me for years. I miss them and I miss my grandchildren.
But I have a husband, friends and family (siblings, nieces and nephews) and a church family who love me. And God loves me. If nobody on earth loved me, I would always have Jesus. He died on a cross for me. He forgave all of my sin. He is always with me. Yes, when I am doing something wrong, He disciplines me. But he will never leave me, reject me or forsake me. He watches over me and He keeps me safe. He has helped me over and over. and over again to forgive myself. I have given my children to Him over and over and over again and I trust Him to take care of them. And He does.

MY BLESSINGS

I have a a nice home, 4 acres of land, a husband and two dogs who love me. I have a good life now but I will never be “cured” of mental illness any more than one is “cured” of diabetes. I still struggle with mood swings and a terrible temper, but I am not the person I once was. I have a long way to go and I will never be free from bipolar depression and borderline depression until I get to heaven. All I can do is to manage it with counseling, medication and DBT, a cofnitive behavioral therapy in which I will learn skills like mindfulness, distress tolerance, self soothing, and interpersonal effectiveness. I am on a waiting list to join a DBT group.
❤️Terri D

“God so loved the world, that he He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. John 3:16, 17

Dear God,

Please help those who are struggling with mental illness today. Help that one who is hurting to turn to You and receive Your love, Your forgiveness, adoption into Your family, eternal life, and peace here on earth. Please help them to find a good therapist. Help them to find the right medication that will help them to be mentally stable. Meet their every need. I ask in Jesus name amen

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REMEDY FOR SCARS

TWO POSTS ON FACEBOOK

ONE YEAR AGO…

I am bald. I don’t wear my beautiful, shoulder length silvery gray haired wig because it is itchy. My caps don’t match the colors of my shirts. My caps are pink and black. My shirts are red, olive green, and blue. I don’t wear the bras with the fake boobs. I never liked wearing uncomfortable , tight bras. . I (may wear them in fall and winter).I am okay with my flat chest. I am me and I am comfortable with who I am. Despite what others my think I am usually a kind and caring person, who tries hard to be a blessing to others. I am not perfect, I have issues, but I really try hard. God helps me every day and no matter how sinful I truly am at times, He still loves me. Praise God!

TODAY

I wrote this one year ago today…. now my curly gray hair is not shoulder length yet, but it reaches the bottom of my ears. I have gotten used to wearing a bra like other women. People who do not know me have no idea that I had a double mastectomy a year ago that I have big ugly scars across my chest. Yes, I have scars. Scars that people do not see. My husband knows about my scars, mental, physical and emotional scars but he still loves me. He still thinks I am beautiful. He does not use words like “pretty” and “ beautiful” but he shows me that he loves me, scars and all, in many other ways. I love him too. I use words like “handsome” and “strong” and I try to show him in other ways too. It is not easy to love someone with scars. Many have tried and have given up. But not my husband. When he said he would love me forever he meant it. And when I said I would love him forever I meant it. I think all of us have inner scars that nobody sees and nobody knows about. The remedy for scars is love. God’s love, first and foremost and then the love of friends and family.

BROKEN

I didn’t write for five minute Friday last week. On Friday, I had not been broken. I was broken on Sunday. Well, it is five days later, but I am going to write about the word broken.

HOW GOD BROKE ME ON SUNDAY

I go to Maplelawn Baptist Church, in Wyoming Michigan. We are doing a study of the book of Hebrews. I don’t remember everything Pastor Willis preached, but I remember he talked about going through hard times. It seems like I have always been going through a hard time in my life.

After hearing the church service, I was broken. I hurried to the car with my husband. I gave God all of the pain, sorrow, disappointment, bitterness, anger unforgiveness and sin in my soul. I am suffering the consequences of my own verbal abuse to others. My heart was changed. I forgive others and I finally forgave myself. And now I have the joy that Kelly Cook had.

HOW GOD HAS BLESSED ME

I have a husband who loves me. I have two fine sons who love me. I still have so many good people in my life who love me. I even have two very sweet dogs who love and adore me. What more can I ask for? Even if nobody on earth loved me, Jesus loves me. He will always love me. He will always be with me. And that is enough. I am going to enjoy the life that I have.

Next weekend, Chuck and I are going to South Haven Michigan. Lake Michigan is so vast, that it looks like the ocean. I sit on the sandy beach and look out at the pale blue sky, with the fluffy white clouds, and the blue water that looks like it goes on to the end of the earth. I love to listen to the waves. I know that God created all of this beauty for us to enjoy.

Wherever we go, Chuck and I find a mini golf course. There is a nice one in South Haven. I have not played since last summer, so I will play terribly. And Chuck always wins. He was a golfer, until he could no longer play, so his mini golf skills are far superior. We limit the balls to six. If I cannot get the ball into the hole in six tries, I pick it up. It is still fun to play mini golf, even if I lose.

After mini golf, we will grab some lunch, and hit some shops. I love the homemade candy shop, the shop that has many things made from fresh blueberries and the shop where I can buy fancy dog treats for Willow and Bentley. I may splurge and buy a blueberry pie. It is going to be a fun day. Our final plan for the day is to go to a park nearby with a paved trail. It has a water fountain, a covered bridge, flowers and some other pretty scenery. It will be nice to walk with my husband. Sometimes, we still hold hands. We are 60 years old, but I feel like a teenager in love.

A HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

And the next day is Mother’s Day. I am not going to cry and feel sorry for myself this Mother’s Day. I am going to have a great day. We are going to church, coming home and my husband is going to make me spaghetti and meatballs. My sister Mary has a great meatball recipe. We may even buy some garlic bread. I will make a salad the night before. I am going to enjoy Mother’s Day this year.

GOD GIVES ME JOY

JOY: Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. That is what gives me joy. And now, I am going to go to Facebook, and listen to that very great sermon from Maplelawn Baptist Church one more time. I like to start my day with Jesus first. It truly does give me joy.

if we say that we have no sin, we delude ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1John 1:8,9

Dear Jesus,

I thank you for changing my heart, forgiving my sins and giving me joy. I pray for that one who needs to read this today. I pray that you will soften their heart, help them to cry out to you and give you everything that is in their heart and their soul. I pray this in Jesus name, amen.

And now, I am going to listen to that very good sermon again. I am glad I posted it on Facebook.

Lake Michigan Holland, Michigan

A FAKE SMILE

I was hurt. I was upset. I was angry. But I remembered some thing I learned in my DBT class. Smile. Even a fake smile will cheer you up. I went in the pet store to buy my two dogs arthritis medicine. And I knew I had a really angry eyes. It is said that the eyes are the windows of the soul. Even when you are wearing a face mask, people can tell if you’re smiling or if you’re angry. So I decided to try the fake smile. And I wanted to make my eyes smile.

A cashier opened a new register and told me he could help me there. In my friendliest, most cheerful demeanor I said, “Thank you very much.” He said “You’re welcome. How are you today? I said “I am great.” And you know what? I really felt great. I really cheered myself up. I always try to be cheerful and friendly to cashiers. You never know how many bad customers they have had that day. And if I receive exceptional service, I always called the manager, and tell them the persons name and what exceptional service I have received.I really cheered myself up. I always try to be cheerful and friendly to cashiers. You never know how many bad customers they have had that day. And if I receive exceptional service, I always called the manager, and tell them the persons name and what exceptional service I have received.Maybe this is how Kelly does it may be this is how she chooses Joy. Because I didn’t want the rest of my entire day to be ruined. I wanted to be happy and enjoy my day. I wanted my husband to be happy and enjoy the rest of his day. And we did. So the next time you’re Hurt, upset and angry, smile. Try it. Even a fake smile can cheer you up.upsetA cashier open a new register and told me he could help me over there. In my friendliest, most cheerful demeanor I said, “Thank you very much. He said “You’re welcome. How are you today? Still smiling I said, “I am great.” And you know what? I really felt great. In that moment, I chose joy. Because I didn’t want the rest of my day to be ruined. I wanted to be happy and enjoy my day. I wanted my husband to be happy and enjoy the rest of his day. And we did. So the next time you’re upset try to smile. Try a fake smile. It might just change your whole day.

These things I have spoken unto you, that my joy be in you, and that your joy might be full. John 15:11

Jesus,

Thank you for your Holy Spirit yesterday who brought a simple fake smile to my memory. Thank you God- any joy I have is a gift from You. You are awesome. The sand at Lake Michigan, the dark blue water, the waves. the pale blue sky with a pretty white clouds yesterday filled me with awe, wonder and joy. They are all part of your magnificent creation. You are so good. Amen

A BEAUTIFUL MORNING….

This morning he took me for a long drive and we stopped at IHOP. Then we went to Holland State Park. ItLake Michigan is so tranquil, so peaceful. I sat in the cold sand and watched the waves roll in. I saw some crazy barefoot kids. I said “ Hey, I dare you to go in that water.” And about eight or 10 of them did! It must’ve been freezing cold! Crazy kids… they were fun to watch. My husband took some nice photos of the Lake Michigan… it reminded me of Misquamicut Beach in Rhode Island. We had a beautiful morning together.

Below are a couple of photos taken from Holland State Park. Chuck takes really good photos.

❤️Terri

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank you God for a good husband and a beautiful morning. You are always good, even when I am not. I pray this in Jesus name, amen.

REFLECTION & TRANSFORMATION

MY ORIGINAL BEAUTIFUL BLOG

April 11, 2021 … “It happened just twenty minutes ago… it was 8:05 pm. My husband happened to look out of our living room window…

If you would like to read more….

https://willowbentleysmama.wordpress.com/2021/04/12/a-miracle/

I wrote that beautiful blog a while back. It was a few weeks ago now.. what a special moment that was… Every once in a while I write a really good blog.

REFLECTION ABOUT MY WRITING

It has recently occurred to me that a lot of my thinking (and writing) is about my own negative thinking. Oh, there is a great Bible verse and a prayer at the end of every blog and every so often Inwtote something upbeat and positive.

REFLECTION ANOUT A FRIEND

When my dear Kelly had leukemia and I had cancer last year, I was sympathetic, loving and caring. She,  on the other hand was upbeat, positive, and cheerful. Everybody loved her. She had been a missionary, a beloved wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister and friend. Everybody loved Kelly and for the life of me I do not understand why she died and I lived…

I have her photo along with her husband, with her hair grown back, in a pretty blue dress, a big smile snd with her husband a sign that said CHOOSE JOY… this was taken two or three months before she died. At her funeral the place looked like a stadium and there were so many people… it looked like a hundred people….

REFLECTION AND A WISH

I want to be like Kelly. I want to always be upbeat, positive, encouraging everybody around me. But I am not. I am often sad, lonely, depressed and I write about mental illness, depression, borderline personality disorder, and the feelings of someone who is feeling suicidal.

REFLECTION ABOUT CHANGE

Yes, my writing, like my thinking is often negative. Bible verses at the end and prayers are not enough. I have to change my thinking. Then I will change my writing. Then I will help people, encourage people and bring glory to God. How will I do that? Like today, I was exhausted. I felt drugged. I was so tired that I slept through most of the day. But I need to get up and get moving … I need to take a hot shower, put clean clothes on and wake up. I need to cook a good dinner for my husband and go grocery shopping with him, whether I feel like it or not.

REFLECTION ABOUT JOY

The definition of Joy is Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. That is so true. I need to put my focus on God first, others second and myself last. I used to love encouraging other people. I used to love to do nice things for family, friends and others.

REFLECTION ABOUT GOOD POSTS

I remember writing a whole series in the benefits of exercising and all of the different exercises… running, walking, bike riding, fitness classes, yoga, swimming, skating, dancing to music, snd so many others. That was years ago. Several months ago I worked out every morning…. what happened?

REFLECTION ABOUT THE FUTURE

I am not going to promise you that all of my future blogs will be joyful but I will do my best, by God’s grace, with God’s help, with God’s love and with the help of friends abd family to write better blogs for all of you, more upbeat, and instead of wallowing in my depression I will try to be more of an encouragement to all of you.

❤️Terri

Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of a good report; if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8-9

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men… Colossians 3:23

Lord,

Please do a transformation in me. Please God, change me. Change the way I think. If my thinking changes, how I feel, what I say and how I act will change. Every weekend Chuck goes to bed early and my thoughts go into a downward spiral. I feel lonely, and sad as I think about all of the people I have loved and lost.. help me to think about You. You are good, You are great, You love me, You forgive me over and over again. You always give me one more chance. You are always be with me and You will never leave me nor forsake me. Help me to think about the really good people in my life who love me. Thank you for my sister Mary. I must text or email her ten times a day. She always answers me. She is so loving and nurturing… Thank you for all of the people You have put in my life who do accept, love and encourage me and I especially thank you for my husband. He works so hard every day. He gets up so early in the morning day after day to drive all over Michigan. He works hard to pay our bills, to buy gas for the car and good food to eat. On weekends, if I ask him to go somewhere he will usually take me. .. he does his very best to make me happy… help me always to do my very best to make him happy. Thank you God… Thank you Father. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit.

In Jesus name I pray, amen

THE TRUTH ABOUT ME

Earlier I wrote a light, fluffy feel good blog about how I cheer myself. I did those things and they temporarily cheered me up. I prayed the prayer at the bottom of my blog and I sincerely meant it.

THE TRUTH ABOUT ME

I lost my temper and I screamed at my innocent little dogs, my babies, who love, adore and trust in me. I love them so much. Their eyes looked so big and so sad. My poor wounded babies. You should never scream at your children, your animals or anyone else. That is called verbal abuse and it is as painful as physical abuse.

MY REASONS

I won’t go into the reasons that I lost my temper. There is never a good reason to scream at anyone. I let anger build up inside of me all day long until finally, the volcano erupted. I should have gone outside and screamed at the stars or found some other outlet for my anger. I wounded and hurt my babies.

AFTER MY SCREAMING

Of course I talked softly after that, cuddled them, petted them, gave them lots of love and affection and a big bone for each of them. The next day, today, little Bentley would not come up and curl up beside me for the first six hours of our day. Then he did, for a little while. They will forget but I will never ever forget shouting at them and the sad look in their eyes. I feel so rotten and they do too.

I GAVE UP TRYING TO BE GOOD

I told my Pastor, my sisters, my husbands and all of my friends I was giving up going to church. I was going to give up my battle with bipolar depression and a terrible temper. I would just accept the fact that I was a terrible person and give up trying to be a good person. I love was convinced that what I had done was too terrible, and I should give up going to church, reading my Bible, praying and trying so very hard to be good. I felt totally defeated. But people prayed for me.

BUT THIS MORNING

This morning after a few hours of sleep, a bowl of cereal, a lot of people’s prayers and my bipolar, anxiety and depression medications I realize the last thing I need to do is to give up, give in, and give out. I am not going to stop going to church, reading my Bible and praying. I need Jesus every minute of every day. I need him more than ever. Yes, I feel like a hypocrite but we are all sinful in our holy Almighty God’s eyes. That’s why we need Jesus.

A PSALM OF SORROW OVER SIN

So I read Psalm 51 out loud, begging God to forgive me for my terrible sin. I read the devotion that went along with it in my Battle of the Mind Bible by Joyce Meyer and I was truly sorry. Next I will ask God to arm me (Ephesians 6:10) for the battle that goes on in my mind every day. And I will truthfully and publicly confess my terrible temper and ask people to pray for me.

AND MY DOGS?

And I will spoil my dogs with extra love, attention and affection today, and every day in the future. My dogs adore me. My dogs need me. My husband is at work or asleep for 20-22 hours every weekday. I am all they have. They need a loving, mentally stable mama. And by God’s grace that is what I am going to be.

I AM SEEKING HELP

I am in counseling. I do take medication. I do pray and ask God to help me. I am on a waiting list for DBT- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for people like me. It is a class/ support group with other people like me who need to learn skills like Emotion Regulation, Managing those Overwhelming Emotions that come over me, Interpersonal Skills, Distress Tolerance Skills, Mindfulness and Relaxation skills… I need to get into this group as soon as possible, but until then… I will keep asking for prayer, asking for help, seeking closeness with Jesus, walking in the light as He is in the light, asking God to change me and help me to be poor in spirit, humble, gentle, kind, pure in heart and all of the other BeAttitudes.

READ PSALM 51 RIGHT NOW OUT LOUD

I will not post a Bible verse today. I will ask you to really look inside of yourself, and ask God to reveal any sin that is in your heart. And I will ask you to open to Psalm 51 and read the entire Psalm out loud, as a prayer of repentance to Jesus. And then below is the reading that went with Psalm 51…,

CHUBBY BARKY BENTLEY
CAMERA SHY SWEET WILLOW

I LOVE CAKE

WHEN PEOPLE ARE DEPRESSED….

When some people are really feeling depressed and defeated, they turn to God’s Word, and I will be doing that. Some pour their hearts out to Jesus and ask others to pray for them. I will be doing that too. Some May wish for a card, a phone call or an email from a friend. Some wish their husbands would buy flowers for them- for no reason at all.

I TURN TO…

What about me? I turn to chocolate cake. Chocolate actually has been proven to release endorphins, those happy, feel good hormones. The bakery at my local grocery store knows me by name. They often make cakes for me. They did a beautiful job making a cake with purses, caps (that look like the ones I wore during chemo when I was bald,) and high heeled shoes to celebrate the end of my chemotherapy. They make beautiful roses on cakes for my mother in law. They make great cakes for every occasion. Today I asked them to make me a nice cake for a lady, and write Cheer Up. It is a little tiny round cake for four people for $6.99 but Chuck doesn’t like cake so the entire thing is for me. I always get buttercream frosting which is easy to scrape off and throw away. I am allergic to dairy products but the frosting is really pretty (and I do get a little bit, in between my two round chocolate layers.)

I ALSO TURN TO…

I also love to shop when I am depressed. Buying things actually does give me a high especially if I have carefully researched, read the product description, read the reviews, liked the fact that it was made in America and bought blue things to drop in our toilet tank to clean our septic tank… I just love to buy things when I am feeling blue… and our toilet tank needs these drop in thingies…

AND NOW I WILL TURN TO…

And now to feed my soul and feast on the Word of God. I have the Battle of the Mind Bible with commentary by Joyce Meyer, bought for me by my dear friend Cathy Machak… I just love this Bible- such great uplifting notes for people like me who are struggling in life… thank you Cathy. And after that I will sit and talk to my Father…

❤️Terri

I googled Bible verses: when you hate yourself

Dear God,

Please help me today, and others who are struggling, hurting and feeling defeated. Help us to go to you, our Creator, the God of all comfort. Help us to open Your Word today, tomorrow and the day after that. Help us to feel Your presence and know that You love Your children and You are always with us. Help us to talk to you today, in the same way we would talk to a dear friend. Help us to give you our burdens, our hurts, our habits and our hang ups. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

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