I say Todd is my idol because I loved him more than I loved my friends, I loved him more than I loved my own family and I loved him more than I loved God. I spent all my time with Tiffany and Todd and nobody else. We went to church on Sundays, and Todd repented of his sins- he was truly sorry- he trusted in Jesus and asked him to be his Lord and Savior and he stopped drinking. But there were times we had some terrible fights. At one point he threw out our Christmas tree- ornaments and all- in the dumpster. But still I adored him and I could not imagine a life without him. He felt the same about me. We used to sing a song with a line that said “nothing can tear us apart.” We were wrong. We were very wrong.
There were so many signs that I totally ignored, and that I will never forgive myself for.
” I’m going to die young,” he would often say. “Don’t be silly,” I would answer. “You are 31 years old. You are going to live to be 90 years old.” But he knew. Somehow he knew.
He was taking lithium. He never had his blood levels checked. Still his doctor kept giving him the lithium. I tried to get him to have his blood levels checked. He refused to have them done. I should have tried harder.
One day he was walking around like a drunk man.”What should I do?” I asked. I had called my friend Bernadette. She told me to take him to the emergency room. They checked him out. They did not check him out well enough. They asked me if he had inhaled any gasoline. I said he lit his cigarettes up with the gas stove. So they said he had inhaled gasoline…. they were wrong. It was not the gasoline…
Todd told me he was having trouble peeing- he could barely pee at all. I tried to get him to see his doctor. He refused. I should have tried harder….
We were at a friend’s house. We were working and Todd was slurring his words and staggering like a drunk. I should have taken him to the Emergency room. But I didn’t.
We were working in my friend’s attic. It was so hot. I had chemotherapy years ago, so I don’t sweat. I can take the heat. The attic was really hot and Todd was really sweating. I did not notice. I ignored him working slowly and slurring his words. We went downstairs and my friend’s mother gave us these tiny little paper cups of water. We drank several little tiny cups of water. I should have asked for glasses of water. I should have come down with him numerous times for glasses of water. We were both dehydrated.
Well we had a fight that night. He was acting drunk. Todd had an addiction to prescription drugs. I accused him of taking extra drugs. He denied it. I was furious! He was acting drunk- he must have taken extra pills! Well, we always said I love you before we went to bed so I grumbled an “￼I love you” before I went to sleep.
Todd was always hot. So we had the air conditioner on full blast. Then he was often cold when we woke up. Mother’s Day morning I woke up. He felt cold. I went, used the bathroom and came back to wake him up. Only he would not wake up!
I was frantic! I tilted his head back punched his nose and tried to resuscitate him. (It does not work on a bed). Still he refused to wake up!!! I refused to believe he was dead.
I called an ambulance. I called his mother. I called my church. I called Tiffany. My Pastor went in and announced to the church that my fiancé had died. The ambulance came. They made me wait outside. Maybe they would bring Todd back. I drove very fast to the hospital. His mother was there. They brought the two of us to a private room. The doctor came in and told us he had died. “Can you put him on life support?” I desperately asked? He said no.
They let me in the room to see him. I screamed, I cried. I wailed. I shouted at him for leaving me! I told him we were supposed to get married in three months. I did not care who heard me! How could he do this to me! His sisters arrived, Tiffany arrived. She had started walking when I called her. It would have taken her over an hour to walk there. She loved Todd and he dearly loved her. Bernadette picked her up on their way to see me. I went in and wailed and screamed at Todd some more. I made phone calls in the private room and told my family that Todd had died. Finally, I left him.
I went to the police station for questioning. I told them Todd was addicted to prescription pills. He had probably taken some extra drugs.
( to be continued)