What It Feels Like To Have Bipolar Depression

Let me preface this email by telling you two things. One, I did NOT get a good night’s sleep last night. I am exhausted- tired beyond belief. Two I am unable to take a nap because my entire body is extremely wired. I have been out all day (we got home at 4:00- I tried but failed to take a nap). It is 4:43. I missed my morning bipolar medication- just one dose. I forgot to take it and we were out of town all day. The only way I can describe my physical feelings it to say that I feel like I have EXTREME pms. I feel like a rubber band stretched to the breaking point. I want to scream but I’m just too tired. I want to smash things but again- too tired. Chuck is loading wood from outside. I offered to help but he wouldn’t let me. It is hard work which probably would have helped me but I think that he thinks it is a man’s job. I do the cooking, cleaning and laundry he loads the wood and takes the dogs out (in addition to working ten hours a day loading heavy building supplies with men who are half his age.) I can understand why family members and relatives of mine do not want to admit they have bipolar depression. With a crazy bitch like me as an example NOBODY wants to be like me. I don’t blame them. My daughters hate me. I don’t blame them. My son never calls me. I don’t blame him either. I started writing a book two days ago. I quit writing a book today. I have no talent. Yes I can write a loving letter to someone who is hurting and I write pretty stuff like that but I have over 100 followers on WordPress and in the last two weeks I have not had more than 5 people like what I write. In the past two days not one person has liked a thing I have written. I have no talent and I am a blessing to no one. I ask God to help me to be a blessing to people and not a burden but sadly I am NOT a blessing and I AM a burden. I am fatter than I have ever been in my entire life, I have gray hair and wrinkles in my face- I am old and fat and ugly. I cannot call any of my friends and most of my family  because all of them have problems that are 100 times worse than my problems are. I can not see my grandchildren and their mothers tell them that I beat them (their mothers) when they were children. I see a future of my grandchildren hating me as much as their mothers do. My daughter might lose custody of her children forever ( I know that would ruin her life- it ruined mine) and may go to prison for up  to fifteen years. How awful! Can anything be worse than losing your children and being locked up in prison for 15 years? I would console her but like I said she hates me. Some days I am so depressed I literally sit and do nothing all day- I color and play games on my iPhone all day. Did I already say every person that I love is hurting and going through hell right now? I think I am winding down- running out of steam. I am not feeling suicidal. I do not want to die. Right now I just want some sleep.

When my children were taken from me I had one hope and that one hope kept me going all those years. My hope was, when they turned 18 years old DSS – nobody could keep us apart. I would see them often and we would all go to church together and have Sunday dinners today ( kind of like Blue bloods). Our family would be restored, we would love each other, we would be a happy family. I realize that was only a foolish dream- a dream that will never come true. Never.

I am grateful for my husband. I truly am. But I know that God will take him away from me. It is only a matter of time before he gets tired of me and no longer loves me like my first husband or dies like my fiancé. Nothing lasts forever, especially in my life.

My animals all love me but they too will be gone one day.

This is all the stuff that goes on in my head- not all the time but a lot of the time- the stuff I don’t talk about- the stuff I try not to think about. This is what happens to me when I miss ONE DOSE of my antidepressant medications.

I am such a lousy sister, mother, grandmother, auntie, wife in-law and friend.




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